Bevde Kahin Ke!

Over the years I have attended my fair share of disaster daaru parties as a part of the sober junta minority. Since my thought processes weren’t hindered by alcohol I was able to pay close attention to the diverse kinds of bevdas (who are either a source of amusement or a total pain in the backside). Magnanimous as I am, I will share the wisdom I have acquired over the years sipping Pepsi at these parties. Be sure to make notes, young ones!

1) The ‘Gutter’ Bevda (a.k.a. Tanker, Balti etc.) – Baccha log, if you observe closely, you will notice that the name of this kind of bevdas itself is a pun. Firstly, these drunks have mind boggling guzzling capacity. Leave a khamba in front of them and they will down it like Rasna. They are also a very open minded kind. Desi daaru or Champagne, Cobra or Kingfisher, sab chalega for them! The second meaning to their name refers to their abode – the gutter. I mean obviously, after drinking so much, a jal samadhi is inevitable!

2) The ‘Do Boond Mujhe Bhi Pila De, Dekh Fir Hota Hai Kya’ Bevda –If the gutter bevda is characterized by an enormous drinking capacity, this kind is exactly the opposite. Just the mere mention of alcohol in their drink is enough to get their heads spinning (even if there’s nothing but Mountain Dew in their glass). Rum cakes, chocolate liqueurs, and even last nights grape juice have been known to produce a wide range of entertaining outcomes. Some may ‘rediscover’ their long lost singing and dancing ‘talents’ while others may experience Nirvana (not Kurt Cobain’s band, the real deal!). Extreme cases may even believe that they are superheroes and try to fly out the window. Promptly empty a bucket of iced water on their heads to avoid injury…to them.

3) The ‘What Goes In, Must Come Out’ Bevda – These drunks are mostly amateurs and have gross misconceptions about their drinking abilities. They wrongly assume that they can drink as much if not more than the great Gutter Bevdas only to learn later that the laws of physics are still applicable – drunk or not. Therefore what goes in (daaru), forces its way out (puke). If you are the host of the party, just seat these kinds in the bathroom right from the start, at least that way they won’t puke all over your mom’s favorite rug!

4) The Pravachan Bevdas – These are ‘social drinkers’ as in they love to get drunk when there are a lot of people around. As soon as the booze kicks in, they slip into nostalgia mode and start to graciously share their years of experience with the others. From little Chunnu’s tummy ache to marital problems to career issues, sab ka jawaab milega! As long as the drinks keep flowing, so does the advice. But don’t underestimate them, they do give out some really good advise at times as well. Sadly the rest of the drunk junta most probably forget what they say by the end of the night.